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There's a revealing instance in Lukas Gage's new book where he refers to it a "premature autobiography". It's a humble quip, of course, but it's also accurate. Gage isn't megawatt well-known – at least not yet. Chances are, though, if you've seen him then you will remember him. In 2020, he became an internet sensation after leaking an tryout recording where the filmmaker – not realizing he wasn't on mute – was heard judging his living arrangements. "These individuals live in these small apartments," he states, before Gage intervenes to let him know he can listen to every word. The following year, Gage appeared in the debut installment of The White Lotus: in one scene, his role Dillon is caught by a visitor standing stark naked in the manager's office, while the manager performs a sexual act on him.

"I thought: I don't have too much to do in the show so I'd better put my mark on it big," he says with a grin today. "I wanted to give people something to remember me by – and I did!"

Chaotic Characters and Life

Gage excels in roles whose lives are messy and unstable – just like his own. That life is all revealed in his memoir, which – here comes another self-deprecating remark – is titled I Wrote this Book for Attention. Although comically entertaining, its content is anything but simple. We begin with Gage's emotions of abandonment by his father, then progress to substance abuse, molestation, family dysfunction, addiction, personality disorders, guilt, rocky romances and heartbreak. What we don't get all that much of is the glitz of fame. Gage freely acknowledges he is at the beginning of his profession. He has no great stores of wisdom to share on success. So what was the reason of writing a memoir?

"I think it's therapeutic for me to tell my story," he explains over a video link from New York. "During the Hollywood writers' strike I had the opportunity to really delve and go deep, so I just said: screw it."

Early Life and Validation

Gage, 30, was raised in San Diego, and from an young age he was cognizant of his constant need for approval. He remembers a party where he showed up, aged four, wearing high heels and Playboy bunny ears; in particular, he recalls being hurt by his dad's evident disgust at what he was doing. Their bond never really healed – Gage's dad moved out and became increasingly remote with his sons (Gage has two siblings) before starting with a new family.

Gage struggled to fit in at school. He was a natural performer, but this meant it was often challenging to know who the real Lukas was. "I was constantly adopting different personas and personalities, which I think was quite divisive for people," he says. It also had its advantages. Gage could effortlessly take on the persona of a straight-laced football player while secretly filling his backpack up with booze at the back of the local store. He was sometimes compensated by classmates to phone and imitate their parents to get them out of class. "Becoming different people was natural to me," he says.

Dependency and Household Challenges

The memoir addresses dependency – predominantly his older brother's struggles with drugs that turn the admired sibling he looked up to into a weak shell, but also his mother's obsession with gambling devices. An initial jackpot meant the family could afford to make the down payment on a larger house, but Gage laughs when I inquire if she really profited from betting. "In the end, how much she spent was definitely a lot more than that."

It is funny, he says. Until she had gone through the book, his mum hadn't really reconciled with this aspect of her personality. "She talked to my other brothers, like, 'Do you guys feel this way too?' And they were all like, 'Of course, we've been saying this since we were kids.'"

Gage has a lot of affection for his mum, who clearly brought her kids up in difficult circumstances. But she had a hard time reviewing it. "She believed as if she failed as a mother and I did not want her to feel that way at all. I believe like even though there's these turbulent things that happened to me, hard things, I actually loved the way that I grew up."

Finding Self and Abuse

Gage didn't start to find his true self until he was sent to an performance program as a youngster, where being boisterous, flamboyant and expressive was actually encouraged. The time was transformative in good ways, but also in a terrible one. One night, he was joined in his shelter by a camp counsellor who told Gage and a female participant to kiss, remove their garments and rub their bodies against each other while he masturbated. For a long time afterwards, he tried to dismiss the guilt it left him with.

"As with a lot of people who experience being molested, I felt like there was a complicity on my part because my body just checked out. I knew it was wrong. I knew that the circumstance should not be taking place. But I just ploughed through it."

Self-Criticism and Professional Path

Gage is tough on himself in the book – and continues to be. He confesses to looking for "dark reviews" of himself on the internet. "I dislike that I don't always regard my acting and work in the best light," he states. "I desire I could have more empathy with that part of myself."

Yet he accepts that this self-criticism drives him forward too. In secondary school, he appeared in a wart-removal commercial and spent the day on set inquiring about every question possible about mic positioning and the role of crew. Despite his mum's reservations, he departed San Diego for Hollywood at the age of 18, residing in the Alta Cienega Motel where his idol Jim Morrison lived, on and off, between 1968 and 1970 (online comments – "Avoid completely from this place!" – indicate it might not have been the most comfortable of lodgings).

Gage's big break should have come when he landed a small role in Mad Men, as Sally Draper's love interest. He told his whole family about it, but during a costume fitting he was forced to reveal the tattoos he'd had inked on his sides, back and leg. "I had these representatives saying to me: how could you ruin this? How could you mess this up? I don't think that was the best thing for a teenager to hear when they've just lost something that big."

These days, such tattoos would be concealed in minutes, but back then he was shown the door and starting over. The constant rounds of auditions and rejections were harsh, but at least he had been trained well for them. "Whenever I got turned down for a job, I would always feel: it's fine, it's not as bad as my dad rejecting me for another family and kid," he remarks.

Persistence and Success

Gage persevered. The tale of how he lied, pleaded and cheated to get an audition for Assassination Nation, which ultimately resulted in a part in the hit show Euphoria (as Tyler Clarkson, black-eyed and in a neck brace) and then The White Lotus, could take up a book in itself. Gage remembers the oddity of filming The White Lotus in 2020, sequestered in a high-end Hawaii hotel while the pandemic and the US vote raged on. It was in fact Gage, along with fellow actor Murray Bartlett, who pitched the idea that their sex act should be something a bit extra – and creator Mike White happily approved. Gage laughs remembering his mum's reaction. "She sent me a message, like, 'Such a cute bum, but maybe next time provide a heads-up that's going to occur when I'm viewing with my companions.'"

It was while on set that Gage shared colleagues the audition video in which his apartment was criticized. Their reaction – shocked, amused, supportive – convinced him to post it online. He wasn't prepared for the feedback it got: numerous news headlines, outpourings of backing from peers and strangers alike, and a crusade against the filmmaker in question, none of which Gage had any control over. "I felt like people were much more mad about it than I was, which confused me," he {