Navigating my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter a person who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
