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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.